Try, try again
I am seriously questioning my choices these days. I do not enjoy working with the current group of students that I have. I concluded an online/in person relationship that was pretty much doomed from the beginning since it was not based on truth. I am physically out of shape and actually have yet another horrible sinus infection. I do not feel that I have a really close friend. I tell my problems to a therapist, although, that's not really a bad idea. I am growing more and more decidedly disappointed in the choices I have made. I feel that by this time in my short human life, I should have things better in hand than I do. I am not happy with my home. So many things need to be repaired. My bills are out of control and it seems to have happened overnight even though it has taken a few months. I have little money. I am not wasting money on things I would love to have like furniture, remodeling, clothes, purses, trips, oh the trips! Nope. I buy the basics. I use coupons. I still buy wine. I like to eat out. But its becoming more of a burden to do. Not even great restaurants! Just 5 guys which isn't healthy but I can't really afford the places on the Restaurant Week list. I haven't traveled anywhere except for Chicago last year. One night with a toothless man I met online. . a whole other stupid story to buy stuff.
Its May 1st, and I have decided that in order to get to where I need to be, I have to start at the beginning. I can't blame mom's leaving as the reason I am where I am. Its part of it but I was struggling before she departed. No, I have been a mess for a while. I think I never had the normalcy of being around siblings so you know what is acceptable and what is not. Although it is good to learn to be alone, I think having another person who is close to your age around you helps you tremendously. As the youngest, I never had someone my own age to say, "you don't say that to a boy," or "she's or he's not really your friend." I needed that output from someone. I never had the away at college situation where you meet who will become your friend for life. Nor did I grow up around a group of people in the same neighborhood. Nor did I ever have those relationships in a religious sense. At a location where the kids and or the parents where some how connected. Thinking about it, my parents didn't have best friends either and they certainly weren't each other's best friends. My siblings had best friends, not each other due to the animosity they had for each other, more so the oldest against the middle but still. They struck out on their own and found their own friends. There were people I grew up around but none that I could put in that "friends" column. I, my parents, we, were loners. One thing you know about loners, they are alone. Not being funny. They are alone not always lonely but alone. Their thoughts are different because they don't have anyone close to bounce them off of so when they do come out, they are often strange or different. My father had grandiose ideas. He tried to bounce them off of my mom at times but they were too much. Yet, he believed they were substantial. Maybe they were good and people were jelly. I am really unsure. He can be smart at times. As far as my mom goes, she rarely introduced her ideas. I guess hers came from fear of being mocked. As the youngest of a far older generation of siblings, she was shy and reticent. So along I come, the youngest by a decade. Torn between two parents on either side of a pendulum.
Based on such a history, how do you find a happy medium at work? How do you shine quietly? How do you show that you know some things but certainly not "it all?" I am still searching for answers. What I do know is I do not like the group of students and parents with whom I am currently serving. The students are lazy, disrespectful and probably in need of medication. The parents know these things about their children, yet, they would rather pass blame on to the teacher than accept that they are at fault. They are sent quarterly progress reports yet continue to be angry that their children are failing a variety of classes. They feel let down and uninformed. They feel they are owed phone calls about their child's academics more so than their behavior. They almost don't want to know when Junior stood up on the desk and jumped out of the window. They recognize they could possibly be in large part at fault for the current standing of their children but they are unwilling to accept this fact. So instead, they complain, they threaten, they shout, they cry, they do everything to show they are so very supportive of their little angels and that everyone is against their innocent dears
I am fed up with the entire system. I am tired of working with underachieving students and parents. I am tired of being underpaid to be a babysitter. I am tired of being blamed for the failure of both the students, their parents and a failing school system. It was never my goal to work with children and especially not these children. For all I know, these children have been eating lead paint chips and drinking lead based water all of their lives. What they need is not found in the hallways of this school. I am mentally, physically and emotionally tired. I can not and I will not remain in this same position another year.
That being said, I have to make plans, to do something else with my life. I'm too old to be unhappy but not too young to still have a decent and fulfilling life. That's all they are too, are plans. So here we go. . . .
Finish out the year, pass the low students with Ds so they don't fail.
Throw out everything that is holding back the progress of the rooms in my house. Clean, paint, simplify. Spend only what is necessary to make things livable and welcoming to potential buyers or renters, whichever will work best.
Eat clean meals that I make.Have more meatless menu days and way less processed items. Garbage, because that's what it is, only on weekends. Exercise daily. Walking, riding, yoga. Whatever can be done to help move.
Study, read & pray but not necessarily in that order.
Keep thoughts to self unless positive. Practice smiling. Don't argue. Don't complain. Don't explain. Write thoughts & feelings down so that NOONE need ever discover your true mind.
Save money. Don't buy unnecessary crap.
Travel with a purpose: finding another job.
STAY TRUE AND KEEP THIS GOING. Break the poor habit of not finishing what you start. Keep the ball rolling even when the hill gets steep. Don't bounce back into old stupid ways.
Good thoughts. Thanks.
Its May 1st, and I have decided that in order to get to where I need to be, I have to start at the beginning. I can't blame mom's leaving as the reason I am where I am. Its part of it but I was struggling before she departed. No, I have been a mess for a while. I think I never had the normalcy of being around siblings so you know what is acceptable and what is not. Although it is good to learn to be alone, I think having another person who is close to your age around you helps you tremendously. As the youngest, I never had someone my own age to say, "you don't say that to a boy," or "she's or he's not really your friend." I needed that output from someone. I never had the away at college situation where you meet who will become your friend for life. Nor did I grow up around a group of people in the same neighborhood. Nor did I ever have those relationships in a religious sense. At a location where the kids and or the parents where some how connected. Thinking about it, my parents didn't have best friends either and they certainly weren't each other's best friends. My siblings had best friends, not each other due to the animosity they had for each other, more so the oldest against the middle but still. They struck out on their own and found their own friends. There were people I grew up around but none that I could put in that "friends" column. I, my parents, we, were loners. One thing you know about loners, they are alone. Not being funny. They are alone not always lonely but alone. Their thoughts are different because they don't have anyone close to bounce them off of so when they do come out, they are often strange or different. My father had grandiose ideas. He tried to bounce them off of my mom at times but they were too much. Yet, he believed they were substantial. Maybe they were good and people were jelly. I am really unsure. He can be smart at times. As far as my mom goes, she rarely introduced her ideas. I guess hers came from fear of being mocked. As the youngest of a far older generation of siblings, she was shy and reticent. So along I come, the youngest by a decade. Torn between two parents on either side of a pendulum.
Based on such a history, how do you find a happy medium at work? How do you shine quietly? How do you show that you know some things but certainly not "it all?" I am still searching for answers. What I do know is I do not like the group of students and parents with whom I am currently serving. The students are lazy, disrespectful and probably in need of medication. The parents know these things about their children, yet, they would rather pass blame on to the teacher than accept that they are at fault. They are sent quarterly progress reports yet continue to be angry that their children are failing a variety of classes. They feel let down and uninformed. They feel they are owed phone calls about their child's academics more so than their behavior. They almost don't want to know when Junior stood up on the desk and jumped out of the window. They recognize they could possibly be in large part at fault for the current standing of their children but they are unwilling to accept this fact. So instead, they complain, they threaten, they shout, they cry, they do everything to show they are so very supportive of their little angels and that everyone is against their innocent dears
I am fed up with the entire system. I am tired of working with underachieving students and parents. I am tired of being underpaid to be a babysitter. I am tired of being blamed for the failure of both the students, their parents and a failing school system. It was never my goal to work with children and especially not these children. For all I know, these children have been eating lead paint chips and drinking lead based water all of their lives. What they need is not found in the hallways of this school. I am mentally, physically and emotionally tired. I can not and I will not remain in this same position another year.
That being said, I have to make plans, to do something else with my life. I'm too old to be unhappy but not too young to still have a decent and fulfilling life. That's all they are too, are plans. So here we go. . . .
Finish out the year, pass the low students with Ds so they don't fail.
Throw out everything that is holding back the progress of the rooms in my house. Clean, paint, simplify. Spend only what is necessary to make things livable and welcoming to potential buyers or renters, whichever will work best.
Eat clean meals that I make.Have more meatless menu days and way less processed items. Garbage, because that's what it is, only on weekends. Exercise daily. Walking, riding, yoga. Whatever can be done to help move.
Study, read & pray but not necessarily in that order.
Keep thoughts to self unless positive. Practice smiling. Don't argue. Don't complain. Don't explain. Write thoughts & feelings down so that NOONE need ever discover your true mind.
Save money. Don't buy unnecessary crap.
Travel with a purpose: finding another job.
STAY TRUE AND KEEP THIS GOING. Break the poor habit of not finishing what you start. Keep the ball rolling even when the hill gets steep. Don't bounce back into old stupid ways.
Good thoughts. Thanks.
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