Cancer Surgery-Yikes!

 I have cancer surgery scheduled on Monday. To say I'm nervous about it would be an understatement. It's not that I don't trust my surgeon. He's young but he seems to be knowledgeable. He does a lot of these robotic surgeries every week. My fear comes with my body. I worry about going to sleep and not waking back up. I fear that if this happens, my sister and her family will have a huge mess to deal with because I am a hoarder for all intents and purposes. That may seem strange but I don't fear death nor do I fear pain. 

I just hate the thought of how my family will view me due to my hoarding. Having dealt with depression for over 30 years, the death of my mother, loss of job(s), health issues, I just have not had the wherewithal to straighten out my house. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's not that I don't know how to do it. I just can not mentally get my brain to connect with my hands and feet to make me organize and throw away things that I know do not "bring me joy."

I have read several books. I have been in therapy for many decades. Nothing has helped me to motivate my mind to clean up my house. I have watched many, many programs about hoarding. I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know where to start. It seems like even when I begin, I make very little progress. I do not have a desire to have anyone step foot in my house to "help" me. 

So, if and when I wake up on Monday, I'll get started again. Working on the kitchen. Working on the living room, den, upstairs, basement, etc. It's like stopping drinking or taking drugs. You just keep trying until one day, it clicks. Hoarding, weight issues, alcoholism, drug use, they are all addictions. They have to be treated the same way. Success can happen. It takes time and commitment. 

I won't give up. I'll get back started as soon as I'm back home.