Sabbatical Time!!!!
Oh how I wish I was going to write to you about how I'm planning to take some time off to do some research related to my education and career. . . instead. . . I am writing about how I'm taking a break from those who possess the XY chromosome.
No matter how many . . . magazines I read, online relationship sites I view, conversations I have with friends, conversations with former psychologists, talks with married friends, single friends, gay friends. . . all of this just swirls violently in my mind. I can not seem to make one single relationship work.
I've tried to make the changes. Physical ones to make me be slimmer. Prettier. Taller? More elegant. More ladylike and delicate. Girly? Emotional ones to not be too needy. Independent but not too much. Assertive but not aggressive. Knowledgeable but not too smart? Intelligent but not a smart ass. I always thought it was better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass but I digress. . .
Here are the stats: Me 1, Them 0
I own my own house but I do have a mortgage. I pay for my own utilities and insurance. I work at one of the most prestigious universities in my state. True, I'm not quite full time in the full sense of the word. I still don't have medical or any other benefits but I'm working on it. I've applied. Its just a matter of waiting for time to pass. I love my career, my students and my boss. I realize I was never in the education game for the money anyway. I'm working on getting my own car. I'm working on getting my bills caught up. Being part time for so many years really put me behind. . . Years behind financially. I have a decent relationship with my father now. . . Wasn't that great for the first 40 years but now its better. He's been very supportive of my efforts.
I don't have the best relationship with God right now. I am trying but part of the reason that there is a breach is what this current blog is all about. I have tried since I was in my early 20's to find a decent man. I have wanted to find someone that was willing to share his life with me. Someone that brought something worthwhile to the game. I have no problems with the whole women in submission as long as a man 1-has his own and doesn't bother mine, 2-knows what the heck he's talking about and 3-loves God more than he loves me.
Unfortunately, for all of my keeping myself "up" physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially, 20 years later and I still haven't found "the one." I can honestly say that I have encountered men who more are emotionally scarred, physically lacking, spiritually devoid, financially broken and lest I leave this one out. . . educationally bankrupt than I ever will be. I've willingly accepted blue collar or no collar types. High school graduates to my masters , bachelors and associates degrees. Physical scars that to them have been seemingly more divisive than my cancer! But not really.
Men who, I guess, finished high school but never applied themselves beyond the most basic of employment. Not even employed by some branch of the government, i.e., City, County, State or Federal. . . Don't get me wrong, I don't mind blue collar/no collar but it seems that they mind me and what I have. . . its a little thing we'll call resentment.
Even though I don't have a huge bank account and are living from pay check to pay check, they seem to think that I have more than they do. I'm "a catch" they say. So the next question I get is, "why do you like/want me?" My reply, "I like you for you and your potential." However, in all honesty, they're really right. Why do I want/need them? Why do I want to be around someone that has less than I have? Why do I want to be around someone who doesn't respect themselves nor me? Why do I want to be around someone who has no car or no house? Why do I want to be around someone who never wants to go anywhere or never has any money to go anywhere? Why do I want to be around someone who constantly complains and critiques me, yet when I ask as question or do the same as they do, I get tagged with the "bitchy" type mode because what I've said has caused offense. Forget about the comments that I get from them that are ever so irritating. . . So much so that I begin to just shut down. No more commentary. No more sharing my feelings. Now I resent them. Not for what they lack but for what they want me to become. . . . a Stepford Wife.
Obviously, no one sets out to live their life in such a way. I need to have my head examined because I keep making the same mistakes again and again. Over and over. I keep attracting the same type of male. I keep thinking that eventually, they will come around. Eventually, they will get the right amount of education, money, physical strength or mental desire to be able to accept me unconditionally like I already have them.
Here's the kicker, none of these guys have been worshipers of God. No real relationship with Him. That's the worst part. I can't imagine anything being built on a sandy foundation. They talk about Him but they don't know Him. Not like I do. I know better. I know my behavior has been atrocious. I know His tolerance of wrong doing will not continue. I know that the time is running short. Yet, I still continue to make the same mistakes. Mistakes that, if they continue, will cost me my life. . now, and that promised to come.
Therefore, I have half heartily decided to go on sabbatical from poor, dumb, weak, worrisome men. I will, as my Great Grandmother used to say, "handle them with a long handled spoon." It basically means to remove my heart, my mind and my presence from them. I say "half heartily" because I know how hard of a fight it is for me to give up the bad habits I've developed. The taste and thirst I have for these horribly damaged males. All I can do is pray that I fill my days and remaining time with activities that will keep me occupied.
I have the house to clean and remodel. I'm always preparing for classes. I know I need to develop that desire to stay at the gym. Even just personal alone time. Reading. Going to museums, seeing movies I like, walks by the River, gardening, listening to NPR, watching Jon Stewart. . all of which none of these charlatans can neither afford, have an interest in, nor want to do.
Yeah, I know. I just needed to put this in print is all I'm saying. Therefore, I am on hiatus. A ceasing from dating or conversing with men who claim to want a relationship. Even if I talk to any of them, I'm holding my heart cards because I realize that in the game of life, they are truly the Jokers.
No matter how many . . . magazines I read, online relationship sites I view, conversations I have with friends, conversations with former psychologists, talks with married friends, single friends, gay friends. . . all of this just swirls violently in my mind. I can not seem to make one single relationship work.
I've tried to make the changes. Physical ones to make me be slimmer. Prettier. Taller? More elegant. More ladylike and delicate. Girly? Emotional ones to not be too needy. Independent but not too much. Assertive but not aggressive. Knowledgeable but not too smart? Intelligent but not a smart ass. I always thought it was better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass but I digress. . .
Here are the stats: Me 1, Them 0
I own my own house but I do have a mortgage. I pay for my own utilities and insurance. I work at one of the most prestigious universities in my state. True, I'm not quite full time in the full sense of the word. I still don't have medical or any other benefits but I'm working on it. I've applied. Its just a matter of waiting for time to pass. I love my career, my students and my boss. I realize I was never in the education game for the money anyway. I'm working on getting my own car. I'm working on getting my bills caught up. Being part time for so many years really put me behind. . . Years behind financially. I have a decent relationship with my father now. . . Wasn't that great for the first 40 years but now its better. He's been very supportive of my efforts.
I don't have the best relationship with God right now. I am trying but part of the reason that there is a breach is what this current blog is all about. I have tried since I was in my early 20's to find a decent man. I have wanted to find someone that was willing to share his life with me. Someone that brought something worthwhile to the game. I have no problems with the whole women in submission as long as a man 1-has his own and doesn't bother mine, 2-knows what the heck he's talking about and 3-loves God more than he loves me.
Unfortunately, for all of my keeping myself "up" physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially, 20 years later and I still haven't found "the one." I can honestly say that I have encountered men who more are emotionally scarred, physically lacking, spiritually devoid, financially broken and lest I leave this one out. . . educationally bankrupt than I ever will be. I've willingly accepted blue collar or no collar types. High school graduates to my masters , bachelors and associates degrees. Physical scars that to them have been seemingly more divisive than my cancer! But not really.
Men who, I guess, finished high school but never applied themselves beyond the most basic of employment. Not even employed by some branch of the government, i.e., City, County, State or Federal. . . Don't get me wrong, I don't mind blue collar/no collar but it seems that they mind me and what I have. . . its a little thing we'll call resentment.
Even though I don't have a huge bank account and are living from pay check to pay check, they seem to think that I have more than they do. I'm "a catch" they say. So the next question I get is, "why do you like/want me?" My reply, "I like you for you and your potential." However, in all honesty, they're really right. Why do I want/need them? Why do I want to be around someone that has less than I have? Why do I want to be around someone who doesn't respect themselves nor me? Why do I want to be around someone who has no car or no house? Why do I want to be around someone who never wants to go anywhere or never has any money to go anywhere? Why do I want to be around someone who constantly complains and critiques me, yet when I ask as question or do the same as they do, I get tagged with the "bitchy" type mode because what I've said has caused offense. Forget about the comments that I get from them that are ever so irritating. . . So much so that I begin to just shut down. No more commentary. No more sharing my feelings. Now I resent them. Not for what they lack but for what they want me to become. . . . a Stepford Wife.
Obviously, no one sets out to live their life in such a way. I need to have my head examined because I keep making the same mistakes again and again. Over and over. I keep attracting the same type of male. I keep thinking that eventually, they will come around. Eventually, they will get the right amount of education, money, physical strength or mental desire to be able to accept me unconditionally like I already have them.
Here's the kicker, none of these guys have been worshipers of God. No real relationship with Him. That's the worst part. I can't imagine anything being built on a sandy foundation. They talk about Him but they don't know Him. Not like I do. I know better. I know my behavior has been atrocious. I know His tolerance of wrong doing will not continue. I know that the time is running short. Yet, I still continue to make the same mistakes. Mistakes that, if they continue, will cost me my life. . now, and that promised to come.
Therefore, I have half heartily decided to go on sabbatical from poor, dumb, weak, worrisome men. I will, as my Great Grandmother used to say, "handle them with a long handled spoon." It basically means to remove my heart, my mind and my presence from them. I say "half heartily" because I know how hard of a fight it is for me to give up the bad habits I've developed. The taste and thirst I have for these horribly damaged males. All I can do is pray that I fill my days and remaining time with activities that will keep me occupied.
I have the house to clean and remodel. I'm always preparing for classes. I know I need to develop that desire to stay at the gym. Even just personal alone time. Reading. Going to museums, seeing movies I like, walks by the River, gardening, listening to NPR, watching Jon Stewart. . all of which none of these charlatans can neither afford, have an interest in, nor want to do.
Yeah, I know. I just needed to put this in print is all I'm saying. Therefore, I am on hiatus. A ceasing from dating or conversing with men who claim to want a relationship. Even if I talk to any of them, I'm holding my heart cards because I realize that in the game of life, they are truly the Jokers.
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