My SUPER Ego
I had just spend close to an hour working on this blog when my computer indicated there was an "error in saving." Stupid me did not cut and paste my work so all that I had originally written disappeared. Although it is true that technology is wonderful, it is only when it works properly and the one operating it has some modicum of intelligence, that this is the case.
A couple of nights ago, I saw a play, Freud's Last Session, at the Century Theater in Detroit. The play had only one act and two actors playing the parts of C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud, respectively. Although the members of the audience seemed to grasp every joke and every nuance of this play as heard in their incessant laughter, I found it to be an aggravating display. C.S. Lewis proved to be quite wishy washy and unconvinced of the arguments he propounded to Freud. Freud, on the other hand, fought to the last on his beliefs on the subjects of God, sex, love and the meaning of life. It never ceases to amaze me that as one seeks high education, one's belief in God tends to wane.
In my limited study of psychology, I recall that Freud identified the ego as a part of our personality. It serves as the mediator between the demands of the id, the superego and reality. The ego is supposed to balance the primal desires of the id with the moral and idealistic standards of the superego. However, what I have found in my case is my ego often gets in the way of letting go of something that I know is not or will not work for my betterment.
After the play, I went to a small club down the street from the theater. It had a live blues band. I caught two of their last songs for their set. I felt safe walking through the streets of Detroit by myself since there was really only an upscale theater and dinner crowd walking around. I recognize that going solo is something that I will have to do since I am no longer in a relationship. The reason that I know this is this morning was the last time that I plan to talk to the individual with whom I most recently had a relationship. There is a line from a movie, Boys on the Side, in the which the character played by Mary Louise Parker says to Whoppi Goldberg's character, "You know what's weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got work to do," you know, but you never think... and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: "Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time." I can honestly say that Saturday, September 3, 2011, was the last time I ever will have sex with this individual again.
As was mentioned previously, I believe that our egos attempt to hold on to things of which we know they should not. Deep down we know that the situation will not succeed but for some reason, we keep trying to keep things going. Its like trying to stop a run away freight train. It eventually slows down, but oh how much damage it can cause until it does. I recognize, as I always did from the beginning, that this relationship was doomed for failure. We had absolutely nothing in common. This individual had more in common with my next door neighbors whom I cannot tolerate due to their general lack of sanitary values and noise toleration. This individual had no home but was living with a cousin. No car but always received rides from friends. No books other than a high school yearbook. Liked staying in watching television at all hours of the day and night. Had a go no where, no possibility for advancement type of job with just a few college courses completed. This person was recently divorced and had no pictures hanging of this individual's children. I, on the other hand, have a house in my name. A loaner vehicle. Live by myself. Shelves and shelves of a variety of books on a plethora of subjects. I love going out to plays, movies, to the park, to my gym, and traveling as far as my money will take me. I had recently received my master's degree in education and was working toward the completion of my teaching certifications. I had family pictures hanging on walls or resting on surfaces in a variety of rooms in my home.
So one may ask, 'why be in a relationship where two people are such opposites?' We attempted to find common ground but it was quite impossible. There was no foundation. The relationship was simply a physical one. Even what we found funny was different. Our taste in food was markedly different also. I enjoy cooking and dabbling in the world of the gourmet. This individual believed that the best meals could only be found at local coney island restaurants. When I think back, our sexual preferences were even different. I tended to be some what conservative yet willing to experiment, while my companion was open to any and everything. I felt chided for my lack of experience. I felt threatened in the boudoir. I now understand that this was the only place that my partner did not feel threaten by me. Not that my life is perfect, but in every other aspect of this person's life, I was doing better. I had more savings. I had better jobs. I had a better education. I was remodeling my home. As was aforementioned, this individual lived in a single room in a house that belonged to a cousin's parents. The house was in foreclosure and had the utilities functioning illegally. I now can truly understand how miserable all of this made this individual.
Hopefully, this doesn't sound too obnoxious but because of this last situation, and the one before it since I obviously still had not learned my lesson yet, I recognize that I should NEVER date below my social, monetary, spiritual or education status. There is no way around it. One should date an equal. One should not allow one's ego to interfere if it seems that the situation is utterly hopeless. One should never allow one's ego to be coddled with lies that sound pretty and nice but the reality is, those lies are ugly, bitter and lead to certain disappointment. At some point, they will only be tolerated until the situation implodes as did with me and my former lover. After that last time we were together, this individual kept insisting on talking to me about our situation. At least I was honest in speaking with this person this morning. I indicated that the last time we had been together, that Saturday, was a mistake. It was simply physical gratification and nothing more. It was not an attempt to rekindle something that was never there in the first place. I told this person that it was my ego, as well as, this person's, that kept us together. We never should have been in the first place because we had nothing in common. We had no foundation on which to build a secure future. This person indicated a desire to stay touch and still contact me but I said, "why?" Honestly, we have no future, we aren't and never were friends, so why bother? Again, the ego. Well, after I hung up the phone, my super huge ego led me to feel unsettled. Like I had more to say. Like I had some how surrendered control and had become the "dumpee" and not the "dumper." However, in hindsight, I recognize the folly of such thinking. I really should be happy to be free of someone with whom I never saw eye to eye. Thankfully, since we have the modern technology of caller id, I never have to speak to this person again. I have no plans to visit this individual or this person's cousin either. I believe in making a clean break. Despite the fact that my id or as the Bible says, "treacherous heart," wants to do otherwise, I know that the best course of action is to avoid this person and this situation for future reference.
My super ego tells me that maybe in the future, after I've accomplished my career goals, finished working on my house, physically have made it to my "perfect" size and all of this is equated to having my life in the right order, headed in the right direction, I will find the Right one. Its not okay to settle for the Right One for Now any longer. In all honestly, at this point in my life, I really should have already worked all of the demons or kinks out of the life process. Yet, I'm a late bloomer so its going to take a little bit longer for me. I am hopeful. My ego won't let it go. It knows that as hard as I worked to get my degree and as hard as I have worked at my jobs, I will find a person to treasure and who will treasure and appreciate me sooner or later. As Jesse Jackson once said, "keep hope alive!" And I do. . .
A couple of nights ago, I saw a play, Freud's Last Session, at the Century Theater in Detroit. The play had only one act and two actors playing the parts of C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud, respectively. Although the members of the audience seemed to grasp every joke and every nuance of this play as heard in their incessant laughter, I found it to be an aggravating display. C.S. Lewis proved to be quite wishy washy and unconvinced of the arguments he propounded to Freud. Freud, on the other hand, fought to the last on his beliefs on the subjects of God, sex, love and the meaning of life. It never ceases to amaze me that as one seeks high education, one's belief in God tends to wane.
In my limited study of psychology, I recall that Freud identified the ego as a part of our personality. It serves as the mediator between the demands of the id, the superego and reality. The ego is supposed to balance the primal desires of the id with the moral and idealistic standards of the superego. However, what I have found in my case is my ego often gets in the way of letting go of something that I know is not or will not work for my betterment.
After the play, I went to a small club down the street from the theater. It had a live blues band. I caught two of their last songs for their set. I felt safe walking through the streets of Detroit by myself since there was really only an upscale theater and dinner crowd walking around. I recognize that going solo is something that I will have to do since I am no longer in a relationship. The reason that I know this is this morning was the last time that I plan to talk to the individual with whom I most recently had a relationship. There is a line from a movie, Boys on the Side, in the which the character played by Mary Louise Parker says to Whoppi Goldberg's character, "You know what's weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got work to do," you know, but you never think... and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: "Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time." I can honestly say that Saturday, September 3, 2011, was the last time I ever will have sex with this individual again.
As was mentioned previously, I believe that our egos attempt to hold on to things of which we know they should not. Deep down we know that the situation will not succeed but for some reason, we keep trying to keep things going. Its like trying to stop a run away freight train. It eventually slows down, but oh how much damage it can cause until it does. I recognize, as I always did from the beginning, that this relationship was doomed for failure. We had absolutely nothing in common. This individual had more in common with my next door neighbors whom I cannot tolerate due to their general lack of sanitary values and noise toleration. This individual had no home but was living with a cousin. No car but always received rides from friends. No books other than a high school yearbook. Liked staying in watching television at all hours of the day and night. Had a go no where, no possibility for advancement type of job with just a few college courses completed. This person was recently divorced and had no pictures hanging of this individual's children. I, on the other hand, have a house in my name. A loaner vehicle. Live by myself. Shelves and shelves of a variety of books on a plethora of subjects. I love going out to plays, movies, to the park, to my gym, and traveling as far as my money will take me. I had recently received my master's degree in education and was working toward the completion of my teaching certifications. I had family pictures hanging on walls or resting on surfaces in a variety of rooms in my home.
So one may ask, 'why be in a relationship where two people are such opposites?' We attempted to find common ground but it was quite impossible. There was no foundation. The relationship was simply a physical one. Even what we found funny was different. Our taste in food was markedly different also. I enjoy cooking and dabbling in the world of the gourmet. This individual believed that the best meals could only be found at local coney island restaurants. When I think back, our sexual preferences were even different. I tended to be some what conservative yet willing to experiment, while my companion was open to any and everything. I felt chided for my lack of experience. I felt threatened in the boudoir. I now understand that this was the only place that my partner did not feel threaten by me. Not that my life is perfect, but in every other aspect of this person's life, I was doing better. I had more savings. I had better jobs. I had a better education. I was remodeling my home. As was aforementioned, this individual lived in a single room in a house that belonged to a cousin's parents. The house was in foreclosure and had the utilities functioning illegally. I now can truly understand how miserable all of this made this individual.
Hopefully, this doesn't sound too obnoxious but because of this last situation, and the one before it since I obviously still had not learned my lesson yet, I recognize that I should NEVER date below my social, monetary, spiritual or education status. There is no way around it. One should date an equal. One should not allow one's ego to interfere if it seems that the situation is utterly hopeless. One should never allow one's ego to be coddled with lies that sound pretty and nice but the reality is, those lies are ugly, bitter and lead to certain disappointment. At some point, they will only be tolerated until the situation implodes as did with me and my former lover. After that last time we were together, this individual kept insisting on talking to me about our situation. At least I was honest in speaking with this person this morning. I indicated that the last time we had been together, that Saturday, was a mistake. It was simply physical gratification and nothing more. It was not an attempt to rekindle something that was never there in the first place. I told this person that it was my ego, as well as, this person's, that kept us together. We never should have been in the first place because we had nothing in common. We had no foundation on which to build a secure future. This person indicated a desire to stay touch and still contact me but I said, "why?" Honestly, we have no future, we aren't and never were friends, so why bother? Again, the ego. Well, after I hung up the phone, my super huge ego led me to feel unsettled. Like I had more to say. Like I had some how surrendered control and had become the "dumpee" and not the "dumper." However, in hindsight, I recognize the folly of such thinking. I really should be happy to be free of someone with whom I never saw eye to eye. Thankfully, since we have the modern technology of caller id, I never have to speak to this person again. I have no plans to visit this individual or this person's cousin either. I believe in making a clean break. Despite the fact that my id or as the Bible says, "treacherous heart," wants to do otherwise, I know that the best course of action is to avoid this person and this situation for future reference.
My super ego tells me that maybe in the future, after I've accomplished my career goals, finished working on my house, physically have made it to my "perfect" size and all of this is equated to having my life in the right order, headed in the right direction, I will find the Right one. Its not okay to settle for the Right One for Now any longer. In all honestly, at this point in my life, I really should have already worked all of the demons or kinks out of the life process. Yet, I'm a late bloomer so its going to take a little bit longer for me. I am hopeful. My ego won't let it go. It knows that as hard as I worked to get my degree and as hard as I have worked at my jobs, I will find a person to treasure and who will treasure and appreciate me sooner or later. As Jesse Jackson once said, "keep hope alive!" And I do. . .
Comments
Post a Comment