Self Sabbatoge
I am at war. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. . . there is a constant fight to keep from succumbing to terrorist attacks. In battle, its very important to be aware & prepared for your enemy. However, how does one fight against a saboteur that lives within your camp? One that lives within yourself? Obviously, at this point, I have not found the answer yet. I have a fight against myself. I AM THE SABOTEUR! Each time I think I'm doing well. I'm avoiding the food, conduct & association that has led me down an incorrect path, I seek it out. They/he/she/it do/does not seek me out! I seek them out! I initiate contact. Why? Lonely? Afraid to finally get on the right path. Aware of what getting on and staying on the right path will mean? I don't know.
My father says I was on a ship that was "floundering" and that I shouldn't give up but rather "right the ship." Sailing analogies. Cool. Stop buying sugar. Stop buying fast food. Cook your own food. Continue to daily drink water & figure out how to exercise daily. These things will help me be on the right track. Yet, thinking, I could lose it all and fall "off the wagon" again and gain that 300 back is scary.
Then I think about all of encounters over the last four years. In comparison with some, its little of anything. In comparison to someone who grew up in a conservative and sheltered communal lifestyle, its the equivalent of a whole bunch!!! Its really been for the purpose of companionship. However, it is necessary that I accept the "solo gigs" and stop trying to circumvent what has to be for my return.
It seems like a lot of basic information that will help me win the war, albeit, simply win a battle or two. All I can do, is not give up. Keep trying until I find the right strategy to fight against myself and my treacherous ways of sabotage.
My father says I was on a ship that was "floundering" and that I shouldn't give up but rather "right the ship." Sailing analogies. Cool. Stop buying sugar. Stop buying fast food. Cook your own food. Continue to daily drink water & figure out how to exercise daily. These things will help me be on the right track. Yet, thinking, I could lose it all and fall "off the wagon" again and gain that 300 back is scary.
Then I think about all of encounters over the last four years. In comparison with some, its little of anything. In comparison to someone who grew up in a conservative and sheltered communal lifestyle, its the equivalent of a whole bunch!!! Its really been for the purpose of companionship. However, it is necessary that I accept the "solo gigs" and stop trying to circumvent what has to be for my return.
It seems like a lot of basic information that will help me win the war, albeit, simply win a battle or two. All I can do, is not give up. Keep trying until I find the right strategy to fight against myself and my treacherous ways of sabotage.
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